I recently read a really well-done article at Salon.com about the experience of being a Comedy Groupie. Of course it was written by a woman. Most comedy groupies and rock groupies are women... and the menfolk who hang around to tell comedians, "You were the funniest one!" tend to be reaaaal creepy and usually kinda old. [Side note: any girl who tells you, "You were the funniest one!" wants to sleep with you.]
But then around that time - serendipity, baby! - I was introduced to a young, attractive dude with, “You have to hear his story about dating Roxy Sparkles! [Not her real name and contains no hidden clues to figuring it out]”
After hearing his great story, I teased him that he was the first male chucklefucker I met. He protested, but then admitted he has slept with his fair share of funny ladies since then. So for you, dear reader, I present “Steve’s” hilarious tale of winning over a famous comedian and his observations on what’s it’s like dating and hooking up with lady comics.
ComedyGroupie: So, let’s just get into it. How did you meet this lady comic?
ChuckleFucker: Well, let’s see, I was 26 at the time and I was at The Beauty Bar on Cahuenga. So, I saw her across the bar and I recognized her from when I was a kid. I used to watch her HBO specials and thought she was hot. So, I owed it to my young self to do this.
We ended up taking Jager shots.
CG: Always a good sign
CF: Always a good sign. She’s a classy lady. And we danced to “You Shook me All Night Long.” We were both horrible dancers.
Then we go back to her place, where first she offers me a martini... then a vicodin... and we’re hanging out, then twenty minutes later a percoset... and then after that she brings out a bong. So after this point, I’m gone, not a care in the world.
We go upstairs to her room to where I assume to, you know, do the thing. But then she asked if we could take a shower first, which I say “ok.” So, we end up just sitting in the bathtub, facing each other, while the shower rains down on us. It was a really weird vibe anyway, but I just proceeded - while maintaining eye contact - to rip the hugest fart in, like a half inch of water, so it just echoed through this really nice house.
So, we dated for a while and on our third date we were doing our thing... I don’t honestly remember what we did on our dates, though, I think she came here [the bar we’re in] once, actually. A lot of movies at her place - weird, odd independent movies. I’m not smart enough for these movies... oh, did you watch the video [of the stand-up bit she does about him]?
CG: Yeah, it’s not so bad.
CF: No, not really, she basically just calls me stupid... the rest of it’s good and it’s got like 10,000 views.
CG: There you go, you’re anonymously famous!
CF: So, on the third date, we’re messing around in her room - post-shower again.. oh, well no, this time she decided to draw me a bath... but there were no bubbles and she’s just sitting on a chair next to the tub and I’m super naked. I feel very self-consious, then she washed my hair.
And then she asked me to hit her and I said “not on a third date.”
[Note: CF is just glossing over this part now because he already told it to me, here’s how I remember the first telling:
Her: Ok, I want you to punch me
Him: Umm, no
Her: Don’t worry, I’ll punch you back if it’ll make you feel better.
Him: It’s not that, it’s just where I come from, punching a girl in the face isn’t exactly third date kind of activities.]
She got all pissed off, rolls over, I ruined it. She wasn’t a happy camper.
CG: And it all kind of ended when she wanted to take you shopping?
CF: Yeah, she asked if I had a suit and said there were a bunch of industry parties coming up that she wanted to take me to. It was very weird, it was very arm candyish. But, I mean, I should’ve just gone with it. Stupid pride.
CG: So, this is the point in the first telling where I said “Oh, you’re a chucklefucker!” and I was mostly kind of joking..
CF: Well, it wasn’t just because of comedy.I mean, she could have been an MTV VJ or a news anchor. I mean, comedy helps because funny women are awesome...
I dated a girl who is now a comedian and I dated a girl whose roommate was a comedian. I mean, I’ve gotten a lot of female comedians’ phone numbers and hooked up with them at parties and stuff, but I haven’t dated-dated...
My theory is that [female comedians use casual sex] as a kind of security blanket. It’s the sexual equivalent of a joke - “it’s not serious, we don’t have to really get to know one another” Does that make any sense?
CG: Kinda.. you’ve mentioned certain things that turn you off about dating female comedians...
CF: Yeah, I mean, the date just becomes a joke contest or everything becomes a joke, and that’s when you see the insecurity. It’s like they make everything a joke because they’re scared you’re going to make fun of them.
CG: I think the other side of that - for both genders - is that if you’re going to really do this, you have to train your brain to work like that. So everything really becomes a joke and you can’t turn it off.
CF: That’s true, but you have to leave your work at the office. I mean, who wants to be around a comedian twenty-four hours a day? No one does.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate wit, it’s just that you can tell when someone’s trying to be “on.”
CG: If you could bump into some other female comedian you think is hot at a bar, who would it be?
CF: I would chucklefuck Whitney Cummings... I’ve never seen her show though.
But don’t you guys all just only date other comedians?
CG: No, no.. well, I mean, every female comedians inevitably hooks up with a couple other comedians and then swears them off. Well, no, actually, I guess it depends on... nevermind, yeah, we all date each other a lot.
CF: You’re all very incestuous.
It’s the same in music though. Like, when I’m working, it’ll be 15 hour days and the schedule is unpredictable and if I’m dating a normal person, it totally ruins it. I flake on so many things. I’m not in a position to turn down work yet, so the relationship always loses.