Okay, let's just address what this post is NOT. This is not a list of the handsomest superstars like Chris Rock or Dane Cook. Nor is it a list of the guys everyone already has a crush on like Chris D'Elia, Anthony Jeselnik or Pete Holmes (If you think Old Petey is out of place in that trio, I will fight you). This is a list of guys who aren't yet household names (Hey, Comedy Central's The Half Hour 2014, you could help fix that!), but will be soon so you should start swooning now and be a comedy hipster and tell everyone you were in love with that guy waaaaay before they knew about him.
1. Fahim Anwar - Fahim is my number one choice of crushworthy comedians for about a million reasons. I mean, obviously he's cute and incredibly funny. He's part of sketch group Goatface Comedy, who make some amazing, high quality videos and even made an actual music video for an actual band. That's pretty much the closest a comedian can get to being a rock star. And if you've seen that video or any of Fahim's stand-up, you know he's willing to commit to the most silly and absurd jokes, which is incredibly hot. He also acts - with numerous guests spots all over TV. He's got amazing taste in music, he's incredibly smart (he was an engineer before he did this!), he's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet and he can dance! Do I sound like his mom, trying to convince you he's "a catch"? Well, because he is.
2. Andrew Santino - Take your anti-ginger bias elsewhere, Santino is adorable. He has a brilliant, fast comedic mind that blows me away on a regular basis. Jokes, crowdwork, silly characters, he can do it all. Did I mention he's adorable. For serious, I defy you (man or woman) to spend more than 20 minutes in a room with him and give him less than 10 hugs. He's on the new PUNK'D and recently guest starred on The Office. Oh, and don't forget, he's adorable...and incredibly sweet. He's also super fun just to have a drink and shoot the shit with.
3. Kevin Christy - Oh, my favorite nerdy looking guy of all time. His rapid-fire delivery barely gives you a chance to laugh at bits just packed with funny line after funny line. For the rest of my life, I'll hear Kevin in my head whenever "the McRib is back!!!" And Kevin's not just a stand-up, he's also an artist, actor and avid therapy-goer. He coined the term "nerderer" (or is it "nurderer"?) after being cast as the creepy geek who turns out to be the surprise killer on a couple of procedural dramas. He also once guest starred on Buffy so I'm gonna stop typing and go ask him to marry me. Oh, and his Twitter. He's SO GOOD AT TWITTER. And in the "Things that impress people who aren't me" file, he hosts one of the best weekly comedy shows in town at the Westside Theater (Neal Brennan and Friends) and appears on The New Normal.
I can't find any current videos of Kevin - this is a travesty, Internet!
4. Jerrod Carmichael - If you don't like Jerrod, there's something wrong with you. The same charm and ease that lets him get away with saying some kinda fucked up stuff on stage is the same easygoing friendliness he embodies offstage. Jerrod has a kind word of support for everyone... and truly means them all. He's got a natural gift for comedy that's made him a standout for some time now. If I sounded a little like a Mom about Fahim, I'm about to go super Mommy here - when I first met Jerrod, he was a cute kid and now he's a handsome man. You can see him on the upcoming series The Goodwin Games whenever FOX decides to start airing it.
5. Byron Bowers Byron's got some of the tightest, most well constructed jokes around that totally trick you, like "Wait, I thought this was a dick joke and now I'm laughing at some deep thoughts on slavery!" He's from Atlanta so he's got that interesting gentleman-player combination vibe going on and he's super cute under that Porsche hat he's always wearing. BTW, he's not just wearing the hat to be a douche or ironic, he drives a porsche and knows a ton about cars. He's got a serious sense of style and - his jokes give it away, but in case you missed it - he's crazy smart.
6. Yassir Lester - Sure Yassir looks like the flavor of the week - skinny light skinned dude with glasses - but he's the original, accept no imitators. Super funny, often self-deprecating humor and had one of the most hilarious, creative and productive on-stage meltdowns I've ever seen. I just mention the meltdown to make him sound tougher. And he's half-Palestinian, so you've pretty much got "pissing your parents off based on their prejudices" covered whatever those prejudices may be. He's adorable and possibly the sweetest non-gay man I've ever met.
7. Nick Youssef I have to be honest, I almost didn't include Nick because he's already got a bit of a fan club going, including a certain 80's video vixen whose been in love with him for years. And why not? Nick's been doing comedy since he was a baby right out of high school. His jokes are great and he's super tall and handsome. He's got incredible taste in music and drives a Prius like a responsible adult (or a hipster, depending on whichever option is more attractive to you). He dresses like a hipster, but at least he gives a damn and has a sense of style, right?
So there you have it - seven totally crush-worthy comics. Do I have a crush on all of them? Maybe. Should you start crushing on them right now? Definitely. Wanna yell and scream that I forgot the joke slinger you're totally in love with? That's what the comments section's for.